Your mouth is full of sand. Your left eye is being hammered from the inside by a tiny, angry little man.
There is mascara smeared on the pillow. One shoe is still on. Your calves hurt from dancing around the coffee table to Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ for 45 minutes straight. Last night you told everyone that you wet your pants when you sneeze. You ate, you drank and much merriment ensued.
Your husband is sprawled across the bed next to you, snoring and fully clothed. The last time you looked at your watch, it was 3:07am. It's now 6:07am.
It's going to be a rough day.
'Muuuuummmmmmmmmm,' from one bedroom.
And then a raspberry and something incomprehensible from the other bedroom.
Oh that’s right! You have two tiny, weeny, loud little children. It's not going to be a rough day. It's going to be the DAY FROM HELL.
We’ve all been there. And if you haven’t been there, you should go there, because it’s fun. But then you gotta pay the piper.
All your mates without kids are sleeping it off, waking up late and going for a greasy breakfast. You are not.
Yes, of course you love your kids, but today you wish you could put them on a fluffy cloud to be looked after by Care Bears.
You have to approach the day as if you are going into battle. There are 14 hours entertaining and keeping two little kids alive ahead. It’s going to be tough. But you can do it.
Repeat the mantra ‘I will be patient. I will be kind. I will not count the hours I have slept. I will not count calories.’
First step is to down two painkillers with a berocca, followed by a shot of strong coffee.
Secondly, get your partner up, feed the kids and clean up the evidence. There is nothing that compounds a sore head more than empty bottles.
Make a pact and pinky swear. You’re in this together. You both did the crime, you both do the time.
Next, shove fistfuls of grease and carbs into your hungry face.
Here are some activities you can do with little kids while nursing the mother of all hangovers.
Go for a walk. It may seem like the worst idea you’ve ever had, but you can walk slow, push a pram and let the toddler poke stuff with sticks, which they love doing but you’re usually in a rush and you want them to hurry up. Not today. The fresh air will do you good, and if you give kids a good time and tire them out, they will hopefully reward you with a rest.
Blow up a paddling pool, get a box of Frosty Fruits, grab your sunnies and sunscreen, and wallow like a hippo while the kids play.
If you have a crawling baby, tip a box of sultanas on a clean floor, put on ‘In The Night Garden’ and have a 22 minute snooze. It’s like a tasty treasure hunt.
Bake a cake with your toddler, and then when it’s cooked, eat the whole thing on the floor out of the tin with them. Or if you can’t make it to the oven, just get two spoons and eat the cake mix. So naughty, they will love it.
Create a huge blanket and pillow bed on the lounge room floor, make popcorn and watch cartoons for as long as your hyped up toddler will allow it.
Play ‘Let’s see who can pretend to be asleep the longest.’ No, I know, this never works.
That’s all I got.
But Mumma, it’s going to be ok.
I know you’re lying in bed pondering which body parts you would trade for 15 minutes more sleep. And I know you would gladly swap your favourite winter boots for a sip of icy cold water and a hash brown.
But eventually night will come.
There will be little bodies: happy, fed, bathed and sleeping.
And you will both fall in a heap into the best place on earth – your bed.
And you will make the same vow that you did last time…
I am never drinking again.